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***This is part 1 of a 7-part series on Wilderness Wanderings. You can view the rest of the series here. You can get a printable workbook version of this series by visiting our shop.***
Seasons of Wilderness Wanderings
I was in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Outside my window, echoing against white marble buildings, I heard children laughing and playing in the square. Glancing out towards the street, I saw brilliant trees a lit with the red and yellow fires of autumn intermingling with the golden sunlight splaying across the people, storefronts, and bikers heading home from work. I could go out there and try to settle into my new home. But, I didn’t. I didn’t really want to leave my room. Instead, I turned from the light and crawled back into bed.
The wanderings. Wandering – it means walking, sauntering around with no purpose. Wandering means aimlessly going with no direction in mind, “traveling aimlessly from place to place.” On the cover of one version of Frankenstein, they chose to include the painting of a wanderer gazing over the mountains. A wanderer over a sea of fog. I love that picture. It denotes hope and vast possibility. On the contrary, in Frankenstein, the wanderers – Frankenstein and his monster – were desperately chasing each other into the Great White North. They chased each other until their demise.
Though the romanticized view of wandering could look like this picture, all open spaces and dramatic scenery, the actuality of wandering may seem as hopeless as Frankenstein and his monster locked in the final epic pursuit. We all wander at times in our lives. These are those seasons in which we are lost from God. Those seasons where it seems like the end goal is a hazy fog, but instead of looking triumphant, we are tired, hungry, and cold.
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I’ve been in seasons of wandering more than I wish to admit. Some were of my own doing, but others were times that I cried out to God to save me, but all around the world seemed empty and void. Where did all of this come from? During my time studying abroad in Vienna, Austria, I went through one of the darkest seasons of wandering. It seemed ironic. I loved to travel, and the city was incredible. It seemed like I was in a fog though, with the world growing gray around me. This great dark seemed to seep into my bones and my heart and I lived day to day, sometimes going to class, other times only leaving my bed to make something to eat. Everyday activities seemed like a chore, partly because of the language barrier, but partly because I felt the grip of anxiety around my heart every time I walked out the door. I began to have phantom pains in my arms and chest where at times it physically hurt to breathe or lift my arms.
At the root of it all, the most scary thing was that I couldn’t reason through the pain. I didn’t know why I felt the way that I did. I didn’t understand what I could do to make it feel better. The steps that I could take to deal with it were challenging and it felt easier to just not. I’ve dealt with pain and dark seasons since my childhood, but I was grown then. At the age of 20, could I not deal with my own problems? Especially since my ‘problem’ was such a privilege and amazing opportunity. Why couldn’t I grow up and see the gift that I had? The only option that I had was to return home, which I did after a semester though I had planned to stay for two.
Hope in the Wilderness Wanderings
We can all expect to wander in the wilderness in our lives, but the sad truth is that these times of wandering can be hard and bleak. And, I’m afraid that we are all too acquainted with that sad fact. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, over 40 million adults in the US suffer from depression, a staggering 18% of the adult population of the US. Roughly 25% of children ages 13-18 suffer from anxiety, which can affect school performance and social development. Suicide, directly linked with depression, is the cause of more than 1% of adult deaths a year, the tenth leading cause of deaths each year, and the second leading among adults ages 15-24.
Clearly, this is a national problem. We collectively seem to have that darkness in our hearts that seems to make our days gray. Our wandering may take many forms – that of the loss of a loved one, a divorce, the loss of a job, or just a season where it seems like a struggle to wake up in the morning. During these seasons, our time in the wilderness can seem like the end. They can seem like the only outcome of our lives. However, this doesn’t have to be the case. But, friend, we don’t have to live with that darkness anymore. We can step into the light.
Though my time in Austria was difficult for several reasons, I look back on it now with almost fondness. I did struggle with thoughts and feelings that were challenging and that I did not understand. But, instead of repeating the past mistakes of my life, I began to turn more and more to God during this season. I had just begun a daily devotional practice and that along with journaling kept my mind fixed on who was important. I remember walking through their park which memorializes Mozart listening to the song “More Than Conquerors.” It was hard to see how I would conquer my circumstances then, but at that moment, I began to understand what this wandering could teach me. As the leaves on the trees faded into brown and fell to the ground, my perspective began to shift towards the one who could strengthen me even when it felt like I was dying. My wandering improved my faith in a way that I would never have known if I had not walked through that difficult season.
Wilderness wanderings, these periods of depression and anxiety in which we feel far from God, are not rare or unique to the world that we live in. Though each generation has challenges that they face, we all have a thread that ties us together. We all rely and trust on the goodness and faithfulness of God during these seasons to bring us through to our end goal, our promised land. This series of posts will lead you through your wilderness wanderings and will act as a gentle reminder to rest in our perfect God instead of despairing in our circumstances.
Join me on that journey through the wilderness and hope in the fact that our wanderings will ultimately lead us back to the perfect king.
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